Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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