Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
