I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
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