rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
