So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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