There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I yelled at your uterus for you.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
