but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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