Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
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All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
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I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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