Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
