so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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