sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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