Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
