theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
