I feel like abortions should bother me more
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
