I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
you had me at cake vodka
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
