his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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