I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
