I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
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Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
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Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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