yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
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Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
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Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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