dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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