I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
