Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
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There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
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Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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