he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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