I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I want her autograph on my taint
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
