my room smells like sperm. sweet.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
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just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
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That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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