He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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