i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Let's get the cat blown out
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
