I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
