I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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