I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
