What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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