i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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