Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
