i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
