Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
