final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
