I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Randomize
