Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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