I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
