I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
