You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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