Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
