you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
