Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
