Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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