I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Randomize
