My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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