i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
