I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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