fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
