Your face is a jimmy john
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
