My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
