What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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