the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
MIDGETS
????
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
