There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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