with your own penis?
if you like me you must not know who I am
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
home. puking in laundry basket.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
