Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
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