You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
