he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
