I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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